This past week the theme for the studio’s 40 Day Yoga Challenge was EQUANIMITY- levelheadedness, composure, serenity- and it was the toughest one for me so far. Some of the easy tips for cultivating that peacefulness (say, don’t compare yourself to others) seemed incredibly out of reach. On the surface, everyone else has their shit together, don’t they? Meanwhile, I could barely remember the days of the week, or to feed the dog, to brush my teeth, to set my alarm, to breathe.
I did manage to spend a few hours on my laptop browsing on Pinterest and organizing photos, though. And that’s when I found the above photo. Yep, that’s me: super blissed out at sunrise on a camping trip during an unseasonably warm weekend in October a few years ago. I’m calm, balanced, focused, serene. I paused for a long time when this photo popped up and just marveled at that woman, that weekend, the feelings that embody that photo. It used to be so easy to get there- what happened? Where the *!@# is my equanimity? Where is my serenity now?
The article I posted for our challenge participants to read had a list of questions I asked them to respond to. My responses: 1) Some things I’m doing today that I couldn’t have done five/three/one year ago= I’m self employed, I’m in a stable relationship, and I have way less stress. 2) I’ve stepped up professionally in the past year, continuing my education and growing my business as a result. 3) Concrete improvements to my life since last year include some exciting developments in truly living adventurously and internationally. 4) The negative behavior I never thought I could quit? Feelings of scarcity. I used to live on the edge, never feeling worthy of abundance of any kind, not in work, money, friends, adventures, time, love, affection. This one is a work in progress.
And so back to that photo.
What happened that I felt unable to get that sense of equanimity back this past week (the past few months!)? Look again at my list: moving from my long term job to being solely self employed didn’t actually mitigate my stress, it just transferred it to a different place. While my relationship is loving and stable, it’s long distance- reallllllllyyyyyy long distance- and comes with its own kind of stresses. Feelings of scarcity still abound and comparisons still happen, despite my best efforts. Equanimity then, like all things worth fighting for, is a work in progress.
Moving forward, how can I do better? How can I keep my shit together? How can I find that calm?
I can talk myself into doing the hard things, promote myself and my business, hustle behind the scenes, and continue to prioritize my physical health. Conversely, I can talk myself out of doing things that drain me mentally and emotionally, let go of feeling obligated to spend time and energy doing things I don’t enjoy, and instead spend time feeding my intellectual curiosities, my sense of adventure, and my love (need?) of feeling like I’m in charge of my days.
Time to get back on my own side and champion my needs.
Until next time, friends.