Week three of the studio's 40 Day Challenge had us contemplating the notion of equanimity. This may have been a new concept for some of the participants, but it's one that I think is important to learn to embrace.
equanimity (n)- mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain; calmness.
“Equanimity is not about pretending that things don't affect you. Equanimity is actually about realizing that everything affects you, and learning to stay present with that truth.”
- Ethan Nichtern
So much of our lives are busy and filled with routines: family, work, school, errands, friends, etc. We don't stop and think about what we're actually doing- we're just on autopilot. It seems the only time we do stop is when something goes wrong. You're running late for work and get a speeding ticket. Your child gets sick at school and interrupts your lunch plans with a friend. Your boss wants that report sooner than originally planned.
And how do we respond in those moments? Do we take responsibility for what has happened? Not usually. We think in terms of things happening to us or because of us. What we really need to do is recognize that SHIT HAPPENS. Yep. And perhaps we could've done something to help avoid a situation- not pressed the snooze on the alarm clock, kept our child home with that slight fever instead of sending them off to school, spent less time chatting with coworkers and more time actually working. Even so, would the outcome really be different?
We can only guess, and as such, we can only respond to what happens. Our response is the only thing we can control.
“Things do not change; we change.” -Henry David Thoreau
So how does this happen? How do we become more in tune with our world and our responses to it? For me, it boils down to thoughtfully considering how I want to feel. I don't want to feel rushed, tired, scattered, anxious, angry or unloved. I try to practice saying YES to situations where I know I'll feel relaxed, happy and grateful (which in turn means I'm saying NO to that first list!). Am I great at this practice? Hell no!
Evidence: I still drag myself to a job that doesn't bring me joy or a deep level of personal fulfillment (because I'm saying YES to great benefits and health insurance); I still live in a climate that takes me into the cave of SAD five to six months out of the year (because I'm saying YES to the friends-cum-family community I've built here); I still attend events I have absolutely zero interest in (because I'm saying YES to not going on the inevitable guilt trip if I stay home); I still break down and eat those terrible, awful (delicious, sickeningly sweet) pink frosted LoftHouse cookies from the grocery store (because I'm saying YES to a tiny bit of rebellion and self-indulgence).
In the immortal words of basketball great Allen Iverson: “We talkin' about PRACTICE.”
Equanimity then, for me, is recognizing that the job I still go to will be exactly the same whether or not I'm there; the climate of where I currently live is, for the most part, predictable; the events I attend (or don't attend!) will happen anyway; those cookies will sit on that shelf in all their sugary glory whether I buy them or not. All of these things just ARE; they don't change, I do.
Two things I try to do (again- practice!) to keep things in check are to shift my vision, and to stop thinking I know it all. That second one is pretty tough for a (slightly reformed) control freak like myself. Let's take my work, for example: if I focus on the YES for a few moments and on the feelings associated with that YES choice, things shift. I find that I no longer want to tire myself out with curriculum and IEPs and office politics, and my priority shifts to wanting to feel happy to go to work, to feel challenged with what I do, to feel joy in helping others find joy. And then I think, “So, then I say NO to benefits and health insurance?...” What will it cost me to say YES to daily joy? A 3% match to my 401K? My adult kids will have to *gasp* buy their own health insurance? I'll only fill the gas tank on my vehicle every other week?
You get it? Making the shift is HARD.
My advice? Baby steps.
“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggles with the world will have come to an end.”
-Ajahn Chah
I can't change the job itself. Can I change how often I'm there? Can I work only 32 hours each week instead of 40+? Can I say NO to sitting on another committee and instead focus on actually connecting with the students? Can I let go a little, and have a little peace?
Side note: whenever I start to think too deeply about these issues, it's in my nature to lighten the mood with pop culture references...so...
Which is to say, it is yet another layer of practice to limit the influence of other people's opinions. Trust yourself, catch yourself from falling into the routine of “the devil you know,” shift- even for just a moment- to leading with your instinct and heart rather than with pragmatism.
And so here we are back at learning to be present, to live with intention, to being mindful of how our choices affect us on myriad levels, to responding with what we know in our hearts is best. We're back to learning to notice what's happening around us, and to letting it happen, no response necessary. Say YES to the calmness, say NO to the unease.
Until next time,
XO Rachel